Sunday, September 28, 2008
its been about 12 days since ah gong left us.. how time passes, it was just a week ago that we sent him to the mandai crematorium. well, somehow the family as a whole seemed to be able to take the fact of his departure quite calmly. Sadness is for sure.. but no outburst of emotions. As usual, the final surge of emotions was usually the day of cremation. The atmosphere wasn't that bad till the monks started cahnting and playing those really sad music.. the walk behind the coffin vehicle all the way out to the main road was the starter. They had to walk so slowly, together with all the music and stuff.. then it was my aunties that started crying. anyway the trip to mandai seems exceptionally long...
Just didn't like to see the part where the coffin goes into the incinerator and the door closes slowly. maybe it was the previous bad experience of the cremation of my grandmother.. when you actually see the fire starting to burn even before the stupid door closes, and better still feel the heat right at your face. Oh well, it was at the point where the door closes that you realise.. that's the end. When you still see the coffin around you still can somehow feel him physically around, but when even that is gone.. all that is left is the memories he'd left behind.
Went to see the remaining ashes the day after also. Its really scary that when you die, all you left is really but a bag of bones. A really miserably small bag of it. had been wondering if ah gong really is waiting up in heaven.. afterall i dun really know wat happen at the hospital the night he was said to have accepted christ. I'll certainly like to believe he is up there.
Oh ya, last monday after returning from mandai. fragments of words starts jumping right at me.. i so wanted to put them into a proper song, but somehow thgs never turn out well. just got parts of them down. Den it occured to me that the song i have written for him after ah ma passed away wasn't exactly completed as well. there must always be this missing piece somewhere.. =_= the feel was there, and my mind wasn't quite working den to tink. now that my mind is all on the terrible web analysis assignment.. all i can tink of is web characteristics. tell me song lyrics and none can register.. hopefully, after this period i can find time to complete the two....
Just didn't like to see the part where the coffin goes into the incinerator and the door closes slowly. maybe it was the previous bad experience of the cremation of my grandmother.. when you actually see the fire starting to burn even before the stupid door closes, and better still feel the heat right at your face. Oh well, it was at the point where the door closes that you realise.. that's the end. When you still see the coffin around you still can somehow feel him physically around, but when even that is gone.. all that is left is the memories he'd left behind.
Went to see the remaining ashes the day after also. Its really scary that when you die, all you left is really but a bag of bones. A really miserably small bag of it. had been wondering if ah gong really is waiting up in heaven.. afterall i dun really know wat happen at the hospital the night he was said to have accepted christ. I'll certainly like to believe he is up there.
Oh ya, last monday after returning from mandai. fragments of words starts jumping right at me.. i so wanted to put them into a proper song, but somehow thgs never turn out well. just got parts of them down. Den it occured to me that the song i have written for him after ah ma passed away wasn't exactly completed as well. there must always be this missing piece somewhere.. =_= the feel was there, and my mind wasn't quite working den to tink. now that my mind is all on the terrible web analysis assignment.. all i can tink of is web characteristics. tell me song lyrics and none can register.. hopefully, after this period i can find time to complete the two....
Monday, September 15, 2008
Sometimes I really wonder why must man be so pitiful.. having to work to earn a living is life, but not being able to like the job is definitely a torture. Well, some might say this is a matter of getting used.. but trust me, this is crap. Can you ever get used to being tortured?! Have been really dreading work since like months ago.. this occurs like After I have gotten used to the routine here. It is the getting used that makes me clearly see how wrong I am in this place. This is a vicious cycle of thoughts.. once started will only start to grow and be deeper and deeper rooted into the heart and mind. Starting to not be able to find a meaning for all these. Totally dun see the point of having to drag myself to the workplace.. even though I know that I could slack here, but its so wrong isn’t it?! Coming to work trying to slack till knock off.. or like not interested in coming even before you step out of the house. Crap~ I just find this logic all wrong.
I know this tot will be like condemned if I tell my parents. They just can’t understand why it is not possible for me to like what I am doing or get used to it without grumbling anymore. There are times that I tried hypnotizing myself to believe that I can.. but these times never last long enough for me to survive through. I am saying all these in a calm and peaceful state of mind.. its not because I am tired and purely detest work today or something. Just that I seemed to have identified a problem somewhere in this aspect of my life, maybe I should really spent time on this topic before it worsens to become a crisis or something..
I know this tot will be like condemned if I tell my parents. They just can’t understand why it is not possible for me to like what I am doing or get used to it without grumbling anymore. There are times that I tried hypnotizing myself to believe that I can.. but these times never last long enough for me to survive through. I am saying all these in a calm and peaceful state of mind.. its not because I am tired and purely detest work today or something. Just that I seemed to have identified a problem somewhere in this aspect of my life, maybe I should really spent time on this topic before it worsens to become a crisis or something..
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
I am now officially an undergrad. Part-time undergrad to be appropriate. haa
well, chose to take only two modules this semester.. guess i won't regret this decision. two modules, first week through the 2 mods, and i'm totally freaked out. the 2 very stressful teachers i've met during bridging, the two bridging subjects i got C for.. how coincidental! well, i was stunt when i saw them la. coz i missed my orientation, some stuff which i should have known way ahead of class, i only receive the shock the moment i step into class.
Well, only about 12 weeks of lessons per mod. done with 1, there'll be a break time somewhere, makes the balance 10. 10 weeks to finish journals, essays, assignments, presentations.. come on man, tell me whats worse~ oh one of the modules is actually a year three module. Thanks. its my first sem fresh from bridging~!! what am i doing in a year three mod!! let me die...
Oh, recently i've got my wish fulfilled. the wish to take picture with 荣少! he is one very nice guy la.. every so ready to take pict with you if he's convenient. somemore he'll make sure you get the pict right haha! well, took one with him 2 weeks ago, and another one today!! haa.. guess he knows who we are, or maybe can even recognise us for once. oh well, i just know for sure that one of the studio crew knows us.. he have been helping us alot. very nice guy too.. to an extend we sort of bully him! haa. oh well, superband is finally comign to an end. not quite sure if i am happy or sad bout it yet.. maybe a mixture of both ba. yeah contradicting right.. that's life~
well, chose to take only two modules this semester.. guess i won't regret this decision. two modules, first week through the 2 mods, and i'm totally freaked out. the 2 very stressful teachers i've met during bridging, the two bridging subjects i got C for.. how coincidental! well, i was stunt when i saw them la. coz i missed my orientation, some stuff which i should have known way ahead of class, i only receive the shock the moment i step into class.
Well, only about 12 weeks of lessons per mod. done with 1, there'll be a break time somewhere, makes the balance 10. 10 weeks to finish journals, essays, assignments, presentations.. come on man, tell me whats worse~ oh one of the modules is actually a year three module. Thanks. its my first sem fresh from bridging~!! what am i doing in a year three mod!! let me die...
Oh, recently i've got my wish fulfilled. the wish to take picture with 荣少! he is one very nice guy la.. every so ready to take pict with you if he's convenient. somemore he'll make sure you get the pict right haha! well, took one with him 2 weeks ago, and another one today!! haa.. guess he knows who we are, or maybe can even recognise us for once. oh well, i just know for sure that one of the studio crew knows us.. he have been helping us alot. very nice guy too.. to an extend we sort of bully him! haa. oh well, superband is finally comign to an end. not quite sure if i am happy or sad bout it yet.. maybe a mixture of both ba. yeah contradicting right.. that's life~